| Take your pity party somewhere else please . . . |
[29 Jun 2010|02:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
I am so tired. You are a black hole. You take and you've taken everything that was good about me and now you complain that you have to take all of my shit. You're concerned with the universe of you. And what am I to you? One of your planets that's flown out of orbit. You make me so angry, so tired, I can't afford to be heartbroken. Why am I painted as the villain? I never would have had the guts to break up with you if you hadn't pushed me to do it. And how does one moved on "quickly" from a relationship that's been floundering, actually dead, for the past year? It's not as rapid a move as you think, or lead others to think for that matter. It's also not very hard when the other person moved on while you were still together, moved on multiple times with multiple people. Moving on becomes less difficult when you discover how many lies this person has told, lies about so many different things.
You say I've changed and I haven't. I'm the same person I've always been . . . just not to you. I'm not that girl to you, that girl who was passive and let so many things go and was too afraid of getting hurt to speak up for herself. I'm not the subservient girl that went above and beyond to show her love for you, getting nothing back. And I'm not her, who would follow your lies to the ends of the earth because she wants so desperately to believe they're truth. I'm not your girlfriend. I'm the guarded, cynical girl, wary of your lies, blinders off and eyes wide. The girl you created. I'm the girl who has been watching you rally your troops, with ten bloody hearts on your sleeve (none of which I suspect are yours). The girl who has seen you try to sway HER friend and HER family to sympathize with you. You sent letters to my mother and father. You called and hung out with my brother. You contacted MY best friends. You claim none of this was for their sympathy, if that was true, you wouldn't have spoken to any of them about me and you. You wouldn't have gotten angry at my mother's negative response. You wanted them to love you, to take your side in all of this, and then maybe, if you could win them over, they'd play ambassador for you. They would convince me to get back together with you. Is that what you thought? Or did you think it was some great revenge tactic, turning the people I love against me, making me feel isolated and alone. Were you all about the mentality that, "if I can't have her no one will."
And you claim that wasn't your intent, but that is just another lie because I loved your family too, but I wouldn't contact them, tell them this story from my point of view, because I see how unfair that is and you need your support system. Maybe you've told your family everything, the money, the accusations, but I'm sure you told them in a way that painted you in the best light possible. And if they heard everything from me, who's to say they wouldn't see this situation differently. I wouldn't do that. Your brother mentioned something to me about not having any class, well I have too much of it to approach your family and attempt to poison their minds against you by parading my broken heart and scars. You love me so much . . . you've shown me none of it.
Oblivion
All of love in a goblet
as wide as the earth, all
of love with stars and thorns
I gave you, but you walked
with little feet, with dirty heels
upon the fire, putting it out.
Ah great love, small beloved!
I did not stop in the struggle.
I did not stop marching toward life,
toward peace, toward bread for all,
but I lifted you in my arms
and I nailed you to my kisses
and I looked at you as never
again will human eyes look at you.
Ah great love, small beloved!
You did not then measure my stature,
and the man who for you put aside
blood, wheat, water,
you confused him
with the little insect that fell into your skirt.
Ah great love, small beloved!
Do not expect that I will look back at you
in the distance, stay
with what I left you, walk about
with my betrayed photograph
I shall go on marching,
opening broad roads against the shadow, making
the earth smooth, spreading
the star for those who come.
Stay on the road.
Night has fallen for you.
Perhaps at dawn
we shall see each other again.
Ah great love, small beloved!
~Pablo Neruda
|
|
|
[01 Oct 2006|11:53pm] |
|
If I had every reason to leave, you'd be enough to make me stay.
|
|
|
[09 Jun 2006|03:33am] |
My mind is an infestation
The creatures buzzing with query
It that normal?
And my hand waves vigorously.
You know that never happened before
And I ignore it.
Your words are so pale and thin; they taper
You don’t mean them.
Hush
The wind wraps my ears like a muffle.
Are we alone?
We aren’t . . .but you are.
I accept their truth as my own
And their words as my unspoken voice.
I digest the creatures in one swallow.
Their screams still caught in my throat.
|
|
| another year. . .a fresh clean start |
[29 Jan 2006|03:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
wow. . .so, i'm back here. . . again. its after winter break and school is back in session, and hope this isnt a pattern of sorts but i'm returning to school with a new boyfriend. i'm really happy and i'm starting to fall back into girlfriend mode, hopefully i dont fuck anything up this time. i really like him and its been awhile since i've felt this kind of comfort with anyone. classes are going to be annoying. lots of writing but i'm sure i'll pull through, whether its last minute or not.
|
|
|
[25 Jan 2006|05:18am] |
I’m sorry you’re paying for all of his mistakes.
For what its worth
I think you’re worth it
Worth more than all I have to give.
But you could do so much better
And I don’t have the heart to tell you this.
|
|
|
[24 Jan 2006|08:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
everything in your mind is a doubt
your trying to figure out
something that doesnt exist
you think my eyes are open but they're closed
and i dont want you to know
cause i'm trying to resist.
why is it
once peice myself back together
i'm unglued.
you're quicksand
and the more i run
i'm sinking into you.
|
|
| i know who i am. . .do you? |
[23 Dec 2005|04:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indifferent |
] |
i'm stupid
and not perfect
and its okay.
cause theres so much more to me
and you'll never see that.
but how can i expect you to?
when i see so much more in you
than you see in yourself.
|
|
| The Velveteen Rabbit still makes me cry |
[25 Nov 2005|02:47am] |
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
|
|
|
[13 Nov 2005|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
the year has been one of my craziest yet. the ups took me to my most staggering heights, and the downs weighted me 6 feet under. i'm not sure how i feel about all of it yet. was it good or bad? was it limbo? should i be happy its over or should i miss the youth that each year leaves me a little more detached from? i think its a little black and white...and mostly grey. either way theres no going back, i'll just be glad i was lucky enough to have this year and another one to look foward to.
|
|
| so this is whats meant by scatterbrained |
[24 Oct 2005|01:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Scatterbrained |
] |
i miss the way pain feels when your numb
like ice on a sprain, unfeeling to the point
it burns.
i miss the heat the cold brought with it.
watching the trees burn in fall
gave way to a sweltering winter.
we blazed trails across bridges,
we weren't trying to burn them down.
i sit on lonely beaches,
where dark water meets sky
without horizon.
and be it hot or cold,
my naked thoughts run down the beach
they sink into the tide
they swim to find you
a floating cadaver.
another missing person turned up dead.
i miss the way pain feels when your numb,
when a cold body
of water surrounds you.
when limbs are disjointed and comatose.
when thoughts find themselves limbs.
i miss the way happiness feels when you laugh.
when that laugh is the product of you and me
when i gave birth to that laugh, that smile,
that pain in your stomach.
i cant believe youre gone.
i'm looking for you always
i keep trying to go back
but the bridge is underwater
what have we done?
|
|
| airline peanuts and crazy women?! |
[20 Oct 2005|01:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
wow! atlantic city AND vegas?! within a mere few months of eachother?! i'm either incredibly lucky or incredibly unlucky depending on how much losing occurs. i knew i'd be going to vegas in january (even tho my bdays November) for my 21st birthday, but now i hear i'll be going to atlantic city sometime around june or may for my aunts bachlorette party. heres hoping i make it out with a shirt still on my back...
~michelle
|
|
| Phoenix State |
[04 Oct 2005|06:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
let the trees bloom in the spring. let the wind wave their leaves goodbye. I'm impatient for a fall, where the trees flame and their ashes scatter the pavement. let an arctic winter numb their remains as frost bitten limbs become phantoms as amputees. let them rise from the ashes.
|
|
| ' its check out this quote i found, i'm really feeling that today ' |
[03 Oct 2005|04:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
' SLEEP TO DREAM '
I tell you how I feel, but you don't care
I say tell me the truth but you don' t dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care
I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I don't abide
I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stiffled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
Don't you plead me your case, don't bother to explain
Don't even show me your face, 'cuz it's a crying shame
Just go back to the rock from under which you came
Take the sorrow you gave and all the stakes you claim --
and don't forget the blame
I got my feet on the ground, and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds, and you're not at all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
|
|
|
[01 Oct 2005|08:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
when i said that thinking makes me nauseous. . .what i meant to say was drinking makes me nauseous. i gotta lay off the bottle for awhile, last night was just way too much. god only knows how i got home cause i sure dont.
|
|
|
[21 Sep 2005|10:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
You forgot what I once meant to you.
|
|
|
[08 Sep 2005|11:38pm] |
|
uh... thinking makes me nauseous.
|
|
| just some things i've been thinking lately |
[31 Aug 2005|07:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
its amazing how one person can leave you totally affected. leave you with a new profound perspective on things. alter previous notions of life and loneliness. make you doubt the very world as you see it. i'm sure the same could be said about a book or a song, and i would probably agree if either were that powerfully persuasive and well worded. but a person, more than a book or a song, can tailor themselves to you. they can respond, and relate, and a book and a song are mere happenstance when they coincide with life's daily dramas. until recently i never realized the power of one person, it got me thinking, could i have ever had that kind of profound effect on someone else?
we go through life, seemingly beaten down each day. too often looking at the big picture and feeling insignificant in the scheme of things. and then you have moments where you stumble across something entirely different. whether it be the company or surroundings, possibly a combination of the two, you suddenly feel enlightened. closer to a god or a religion or a being. the future doesn't matter, nor does the past. but your there, and you feel free, careless, infinite.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
badmonkeybad's journal
blank
nostalgic
accomplished